Mediums To Enhance Your Life
About me
&
This Idea
How it Started
When I was in High School, my best friend Claudia and I would play this game on our iTunes where we'd ask a question about our future, hit shuffle, and take the song which would play next as our answer.
We'd muse over topics which mostly circulated around boys and the crazed-teenage relationships we'd have with them, or asked about where we would end up a few years. I remember reaching the pinnacle of this game when I asked how my crush felt about me, and the song, “Just Say Yes” by Snow Patrol started playing. "Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back," the lyrics danced in my head and spun around so quickly till I was hypnotized, convinced it was my truth.
It was frivolous teenage fun, and even though I knew deep down I couldn't let my fate be decided by a computer algorithm, it's a game that I always carried in my thoughts. Whether listening to music as I was running on the treadmill, or while reminiscing about failed relationships and sipping on $4 'La Finca' from our beloved Trader Joes - I always had some faith that, maybe, the universe was giving me a tasteful hint of its plans through these randomized playlists.
I recently graduated from The George Washington University in May, and on my way to the ceremony which was taking place at the National Mall, I found the game tapping me lightly on the shoulder. And so I asked myself, "How am I going to handle this next chapter in my life?" I click, and the song "You're On" by Madeon slid up. While the song is about a seemingly tumultuous relationship and is the epitome of a mindless teenage anthem, something about the title resonated within me. "You're on...you're on."
As the realization that college is over has finally been concretized in my mind, life's energy has been at times bouncing off of me, avoiding me, taunting me, yet overall, simply: desperately confusing. Since graduating, I'd been able to fill my days out as relatively productive with a bartending job on U St, and marketing for Nu Androids, a music collective group. Both jobs were everything I could have asked for. One of them allowed me to make money fast while I met tons of unique, warm people and honestly, become part of a hospitality family. The other brought me closer to a music scene I relentlessly adored and remain passionate about.
And yet, there has been one idea that simply won't stop swirling around me. The desire to travel alone, completely alone, meaning huge backpack, random hostels, foreign languages, no real concrete plans, alone. "I'm going to do it," I started thinking when I entered my last year of college. "Just have to graduate first, then save up, and book my flights." I graduated and immediately threw myself into hospitality full-time as a bartender working insane hours and giving up 85% of my weekends, and while that was when all my friends would go out, it is when I would make the majority of my cash.
It was tough, rewarding, ludicrous, and created some of the craziest memories. There was a night where I'd accidentally broken a half-bottle of Jack Daniels, yet didn't realize until after I had spilled the remaining contents of the bottle over myself and then notice how a shard of glass had flown into my leg and I was bleeding everywhere, sending me home smelling of whiskey and blood as if I'd gotten into a bar fight. Nights where I'd had shameless men ask how much it would be to "rent me" for the night, or proposals to be flown out to Las Vegas or Paris even though it was all about whether it would get you to sleep with them. I once had a table dine and dash when they owed over $200 dollars. It triggered such rage and sweeping disappointment, and the fact that I hadn't slept much all weekend, triggered me to start sobbing like an idiot in the middle of my shift.
Despite it all, the lack of sleep, the drunken assholes, missing out on nights out with friends, I was completely focused on reaching my financial goal in order to pay for this trip that none of the other stuff mattered. I had made a decision that I was going to get this done. There is such a difference between wanting something and deciding on it. Once I realized the difference, it propelled my motivation and eventually I hit my goal of $10,000 dollars in two months under my projected timeline. Every day, I am thankful for that job and cannot even begin to express my gratitude to have been part of something so incredibly rewarding.
When it became clear that I was going to reach my financial goal, I started researching other solo travel blogs, purchasing a few books about Southeast Asia, looking at tentative dates to book my flight...and then I freaked the fuck out.
How the fuck could I do this? I'm just...me. I would sit up at night, my brain on absolute panic mode, screaming internally to myself, "You absolute moron. Why are you doing this? You seriously want to just get a one-way ticket to Thailand, somewhere you don't know very well, and just 'figure it out?' I mean, do you hear yourself? You have everything RIGHT HERE, two jobs you love, your best friends, a great apartment, and plus, you're not brave enough for this, you know that, right?" And on it went. It was relentless, vicious, and honestly paralyzing.
I began making excuses. Originally, I was supposed to leave in December but decided against it because that was when plane tickets were the highest price. Then, I decided I was going to move to NYC in January last minute since I wanted to spend time with my family before I left. Followed by me deciding February was too soon to leave, and I couldn't leave in March because my sisters 21st birthday was coming up and wait actually maybe I can't leave this date because...whatever excuse I could come up with. Once I realized what I was doing, I ran to my laptop and selected what seemed like the best date, March 5th, and just bought the one-way ticket right then and there on the spot.
It finally dawned on me that I was afraid that if I kept it off any longer, I simply was never going to do it. And while my fear of doing this is still very much present, I'm more afraid of waking up decades from now and looking back on this period of my life with regret and never having just gone for it. Because hey, as they say, if you want a life you've never lived, you're going to have to do things you've never done.
So here we are. Not only am I battling my fear of shipping myself over 8,000 miles away from home to a foreign place, but I am also confronting my anxieties on starting this little personal journal/blog business. I have been debating for a long time if I truly wanted to launch this site. My most tantalizing fear, in all honesty, is being judged. I've always loved to write, but I've never showcased anything to the public because I don't want people to make assumptions about me and ridicule me for simply being who I am. Hey, it's a common fear to be one with the tribe, it taps back into our natural instincts since being ousted of the group = certain death. And while this is true to a certain degree, I've come to realize that all that matters is if I'm investing my time in a project which I enjoy.
People will always judge. They will make assumptions. I can't deny that I have been extremely privileged for the duration of my life: never having to worry about where my next meal will come from, where I'll sleep tonight, not having to worry about paying for college. It goes on. That is part of the reason why I want to go on this trip: to educate myself, put myself in environments which are so radically different than the ones I am used to, to give back to a community, to challenge myself and get uncomfortable. People will judge how they wish, but just know, it has everything to do with them, and very little to do with yourself. Could you imagine a world where people were acting out in a way where they didn't care what others think? I was sitting here writing this, thinking to myself, "Fuck, this is so silly, who am I to start a travel blog and go travel by myself."
But...is it really that wild? Someone out there is doing it. And they're successful and loving it. So why can't you? The answer, as much as it's strange to hear, is because of yourself. You can be the one who thinks they can't do it, (alongside others), but who is in your way, physically or mentally, other than yourself? We have one chance to be happy, to make ourselves proud. Let go of those thoughts which circulate around your insecurities.
Overall, the reasons as to why I wanted to start this blog in the first place have surpassed all my insecurities as to why I shouldn't. I wanted to create this website so it could serve as a scrapbook for my memories, provide an outlet so friends back at home could check that I am alive and well, tell ridiculous stories (because anyone who knows me knows I get into the absolute most fucking ridiculous situations), make people laugh, overcome my fears, and finally maybe create some inspiration for girls just like me. Those who might be wanting to just push the trigger and buy that plane ticket already, but simply can't because while they see other women go, they themselves consider themselves too scared, too shy, too nervous, whatever the excuse.
If I am able to do this, I absolutely fucking guarantee that you can, too. When looking at solo travel blogs, I hadn't found many about women in their young 20's who were shaking in their boots on the way to the airport. Or messy websites of girls just getting the hand of trying to draft a website (which is actually crazy hard and detail-oriented.) A majority of these websites were gorgeous, with blog posts about how they were having the most unreal time and never had a doubt about "quitting their job to go travel the world!" So, I figured I'd try to create at a blog where you can read about the very real traveling anxieties and how on Earth I attempt to tackle them.
I'm feeling unbelievably nervous and yet there's this excitement and anticipation that is radiating within me. If you guys would like to keep tabs on me and check-in on whatever mess I might stumble into, this blog is where you'll find it. And for when my fear challenges me and makes me feel like there's no way I can get on that plane and not look back...
You're on.